Had you known…

You told me that no matter how conflicted my feelings for you are, that I want this deep inside and that there’s nothing wrong with giving it a try. I couldn’t tell you that you represent everything I don’t like in a relationship but you have everything I want in a man. You’re undeniably intellectual, brutally honest when needed, and most importantly, you make my day happy even without trying. I want you and that is enough for me to throw caution to the wind.

You said you like me, that I am everything you wanted in a woman. I told you this wouldn’t work, the distance is just too much. You reminded me that we can never know what the future holds for us, that we should just enjoy and not overthink things. I probably didn’t tell you but not overthinking things is just not me. I’m trained to think about what will happen if I do this, what the consequences of my actions will be. I am the kind of girl who picks the food her friends already tried and approved of. I stick to the routine and rarely venture the unknown. I don’t like being spontaneous because I always have a schedule in my head. That’s what I am and I guess you didn’t know that.

I should have told you that, probably. Then I guess you would have realized how important you are to me. How you made me do things I have never thought of doing. That this relationship isn’t just a pasttime for me. That you’ve become such a vital part of my daily routine. That seeing you online already makes me incredibly excited. That there must be terribly wrong when I started ignoring you. Maybe had you known all these, you would have exerted more effort to make this work. But you hadn’t and you didn’t.

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