Moving On

You are the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I don’t know if I miss you or I just miss the memory. All I know is that I miss the times when we talk right after I open my eyes in the morning. You’ve become a habit, an inspiration to wake up earlier than usual, an appetizer that spices up my day.

I don’t regret breaking up with you. I needed to do it to keep my self-respect. Yes, you’ve made me appreciate myself more, you’ve made me realize I’m worth taking a look at, that I am attractive. But you also made me feel the worst. Whenever I wait for you to go online, I feel like I am a beggar, begging for your attention. I know and you’ve told me several times that you like having the upper-hand in our relationship so you probably cannot blame me for feeling that you’re ignoring me because of that, that is, having a say when we can chat gives you the feeling of control. And I don’t like it. As much as I like you and as much as I like the feeling when we talk and flirt, I don’t like the feeling I get when we don’t talk. It hurt me that I had to choose to start ignoring you too just to make you feel what I feel. Stupid of me. Instead of getting your attention, it just made me lose you attention more. I lost your interest. The sparks are gone, you said, when I broke off things with you.

For several days after the break-up, I contemplated getting back with you, to convince you we are still worth another try. You know what stopped me? I dread the time when you take me back and we return to you-ignoring-me days. I cannot do that to myself. I have to learn to respect myself and teach me that I don’t deserve any of that.I deserve more. Maybe in life, we sometimes can’t get what we want and maybe, sometimes what we want isn’t what’s best for us.

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