I Thought We Could Be Something

I’m finally at the point of my life where I realized that what most of my friends were telling me was true: That I run when the going gets tough. But you know what? When I met you, I was finally ready to give my all. I was ready to stay and fight. I was ready to fall regardless of how scary that can be. You made me see the beauty in dating. That good men still exists after all. That you are so goddamn worth of all the vulnerability. You made me feel like I am the most important person in your life. And I thank you for it.

But then you’re gone. You faded. Without explanations. Without a word. Now you’re making me question if everything was real. How can someone do that to me? How can you easily forget all the good times we had? How can you be this cold?

But I’m done chasing. I know I cannot make anyone like me. It will be ultimately your choice. And I hope you choose me. Please choose me.

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Abyss

My friends tell me I am always the one to leave when the going gets tough. That I don’t fight for you, for us. I always run away to hide and forget. Oh how I wish they knew how much courage it takes to love you. That you are the one I want in this world. That I am willing to accept things I thought were abhorrent just because you do/possess them. But I cannot wait any more for something that might never happen especially when you do not give me any sign that I should keep on waiting.

How I wish loving is easy. I wish that when we like someone, probability is that someone also likes us back. But life is not like that. We do not always get what we want. Heck, more often than not, we don’t get what we want.

It always amazes me that someone out there could be loving us without us knowing. Do you know that I love you? You probably don’t. You probably don’t care.

 

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To Backslide Or Not

I miss you so much sometimes I wish I didn’t send you that text. But I know this is for the better. We are just delaying the inevitable, right?
I have so many questions I’ve been wanting to ask you. Why are you not ready? Why did you not choose me? Why did you tell me I’m special if in the first place you have no intention to stay? Why did you tell me I’m not just any girl when you don’t have plans to be with me?
From the get go, I know I already like you and given the chance, I can fall for you. That is why I didn’t ask you questions. That is why I was always on Tinder when we were together. That is why I refused to get to know you. Because if I already like you when I barely know you, how much more if I already know how wonderful you are?
I was on the way to forgetting you, to moving on. But no, you had to tell me you’re still attracted to me, you had to tell me I’m not just any one to you. How can I still talk to you and not fall for you harder? How can I continue texting you and be prepared for your sex stories? How can I have a heart of stone?
They say you get attached to your first. I don’t think that’s what happened to me. I did not get attached for that sole reason. I got attached because sparks fly when we’re together. Our chemistry is off the charts. Why can’t that be enough for you to stay? Is it that common that you did not pay it any consideration?
I know, deep down, you’re not going to reach out to me. I know in my heart that that last text message is the last conversation we will ever have. Because despite what you told me, I still have difficulty believing you like me that much to throw away your pride and tell me I’m wrong. But you know what? I need to be wrong this time. So bad. With you, I will never mind to be wrong.
I hope that someday, you’d realize you should not have let me go. You should have stayed.
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You Don't Deserve Me

Thought Catalog

I don’t believe in “leagues” when it comes to dating, because they are petty. I don’t believe people can be categorized and sorted in that way — put into different tiers of inherent good or bad — particularly based on something as fleeting and superficial as looks. If someone tells me that someone else is out of their league, I’ll usually laugh and tell them they’re being silly. But it’s a true shame that we actually think in these terms, and allow them to define what we think we should be going after in life.

I guess I’m lucky, in that I was always raised to believe I deserved the best. I wasn’t a daddy’s girl or a spoiled litle princess by any means, but I was raised to see that a woman is capable and deserving of all the great things that a man can achieve, and that she…

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How To Forget Someone

Thought Catalog

Decide, first and foremost, that they need to be forgotten. Realize what a profound statement it is to make towards another person that they need to be erased from your life, that their very presence in your mind is causing you to suffer and to needlessly agonize. Understand now why, for so many years, whenever a friend or a more insignificant lover would rub you the wrong way or do something you felt was cruel and unnecessary, you found a more amicable way to deal with them than to cut them out completely. Begin to visualize your web of friends, of family, of social contacts, as something inherently interconnected — understand that to remove someone entirely is akin to breaking a chain which everyone expects you to keep together. Anticipate awkward run-ins at parties.

Know that, regardless of the social repercussions or the initial difficulty in adjusting, removing them (at…

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When They Move On Before You Do

Thought Catalog

There is always a little time after a breakup where you allow yourself to imagine that it isn’t real. Sure, you had a big fight. Yes, you needed some space apart from one another. And you were willing to endure a few difficult weeks where you stayed in your respective corners and reflected on all the mistakes you made. All of this, you knew how to wrap your mind around. You could live it because there was a voice in the back of your head — one you intentionally fostered — which said that this was all some grave mistake. At some point in the near future, you thought, the two of you were going to come running back into one another’s arms, admitting how wrong you were to ever go, and explaining how you perfectly mirror the other’s feelings. Everything was supposed to work out.

And as long as…

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What If I’m Always The First To Leave?

Thought Catalog

It’s almost that time of year again, the one we’ve all had the misfortune of knowing intimately. Here comes another Leaving Season, I say to myself, and taste it in my morning coffee. Taste it in the way spring drops sunshine upon even the most persistent end-of-winter chill (a winter swan song, if you will), taste it in the nervous energy of everyone around you who knows it’s coming too. The Leaving Season brings back my bad habit.

When you care about someone whom you are about to irreversibly and indefinitely leave, are they real? When you make the acquaintance of someone who is about to disappear from your immediate reality, do they count? If there is an expiration date on human interaction, does it make it more precious or not at all? Upon the dawning of the Leaving Season, one is affronted with a major injustice: to choose if…

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